“If you want to conquer fear, don’t sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” -Dale Carnegie
I kinda want to puke.
I put off doing anything like this for years, because it was too intimidating. Too scary. Involved a level of vulnerability I was entirely incapable of. I found even Facebook to stressful.
I’ve been journaling so much lately.
I think journaling helped me survive the childhood. It gave time to my introvert, when I spent the rest of the time playing an extrovert. But there was a time someone read it. A friend of a parent that I’m sure thought, ‘how cute, what might this little girl be writing about in her little bitty DIARY…’ Well, they were surprised and what that little girl could be writing about. And my family blew up.
But they blew up quietly. As quietly as humanly possible to the outside world, as quietly and they could amongst themselves, and certainly quietly around me.
But back to today. I decided to just do it, as part of my 365 days of being alcohol free. It’s been 20 years since I felt confident trying something new, taking a leap, putting myself out there. And even then I had the assistance of alcohol *then in order keep up the success I started, along with extrovert I portrayed, drugs had to join in the reindeer game).
I started a Poshmark site 6 month ago.
Reselling fashion treasures I found this last year helped give a bit of steadying to the complete destruction I was trying to rise up again from. I have visual from the Land Before Time. When the plates are shifting and it’s suddenly all collapsing all around them, things as they know it all changing, you can see other dinasaurs just falling in the to chasms and they just run and run trying to stay on solid ground while that beneath them falls. Suddenly it stops, are they left with chasms between them and those they love, and all they can do it figure out what to do now, head toward the safe, healthy place that is left.
All I really want to say today is this: starting this was far worse that I’d anticipated. My brain spun in to full hurricane mode. I went from the therapeutic journaling I’d been doing, here in that same living room that my little diary was found some 35 years ago to forcing myself to share personal words of mine with the world.
Maybe no one ever feels truly safe journaling. But I know I’m never able to write a work without a sense that someone might read it. My secrets have never been safe. Only a year a half ago, I put my faith in people I trusted to pack up an apt I’d never get to see again, and someone then, read my journals, then passive aggressively alluded to it, then didn’t speak to me. I’ll never understand the drive to read another’s journal. Not since my crazy jealous days of late teens/early 20s.
So doing this went from a fun idea, to a powerful idea, there was hope, then…then came the even so gentle swirling, ideas, thoughts, everything would get to lengthy, to convoluted, start over. Well what does that say about me?? Start over. But I want to touch on everything about me, ha! Start over. Meanwhile, I lost whole days to non stop ideas for a domain name, giving brain storm a whole new gear, I literally couldn’t stop! I’d try to distract myself, watch tv, read, no to bed, go to an AA meetings, I had to keep ‘storming’ I’d physically have to run away from myself. Then in to the frustration in trying to set it up, because I prefer to jam the peg in the hole, then step back and read which hole it was even meant for, then step back and see if there even WAS a hole, anywhere, at all…let along the size and shape.
I posted a post.
Then chopped it off and just left the first few paragraphs. Posted. There. I did it.
Sweet mother of…I slept like crap! Woke with my stomach in KNOTS, suddenly certain that the domain name I’d picked was horrible! Embarrassing, stupid, inconvenient, inappropriate, maybe even illegal!? So I had to get out of bed as soon as physically possible, ablaze in full Lyme and Fibro symptoms, to CHANGE THAT NAME! And change that gobbledegook first entry, what is SOMEONE ACTUALLY READ IT, somewhere out there in the random web universe, since I hadn’t shared with anyone I know, of COURSE.
This was a sickness I hadn’t felt in a long time. But fuck it. I’m doing it. I altered the domain name a little bit, yet again, making it just a little more difficult, but, I learned more! And this is going to be my far too long, babbling, touching on very little really, about me, entry.
And if anything I ever write here makes someone angry, irritates someone, makes someone think I’m stupid, mean or self indulgent. I don’t fucking care anymore. That’s what I have to do to get to the other side, so here goes…